Top 10 Reasons This Married Man Could NOT Be Single in 2018

I have been married a long time.

Actually, when you consider the way monogamous relationships are viewed today– I should be bronzed and put in a museum. Because I’m a got damn anomaly!

Okay so I don’t fully believe that. But let magazines, life & culture rags and random surveys tell it, marriage is dumb. Unsustainable. And a relic of an idea. But in the immortal words of the great American philosopher Kat Stacks…anywaydoe!

With my having a solid amount of single and married friends, the conversations I find myself in and around, are far reaching. And in fact, because of a lot of the issues I hear from my single friends…


So let’s have a little fun. Here are my Top 10 reasons, this married man could not be single in 2018:

  1. Now you have an attitude, because I didn’t call you back (eventhough I said I would)

    I’m a grown man. I work hard, sometimes too hard. If we’re on the phone at 8, and I get off for whatever reason– eventhough I said I’d call you back. Don’t climb armpit deep in your feelings if I don’t. Something may have come up. Or, I mighta just fell asleep. I’ll holla in the morning, relax.

  2. No Good morning text

    Now this one is somewhat flexible. Because when you’re really trying to get to know someone, you make time for the little things like this. WITH THAT SAID, don’t get slick w/the memes or dropping your voice an octave, if I don’t send a text by 10am. Ol’needy ass. SEND ME ONE, shxt.

  3. I didn’t respond to your text, so now you’re mad because you see me active on social (i.e. twitter, facebook, instagram)

    This one I hold near and dear to my heart. My boy whose like my brother will text me sometimes and I won’t respond until three days later…but we’ll interact on twitter/IG. Unless you’re killing my inbox, I’ll skim a text. And if it’s not urgent, I may not respond if I’m busy w/something else. But for YOUR sake, do not ask me…”if I saw your text”. Try calling, just a thought.

  4. Subtweets/Substats

    I was born in 1978 slim. And odds are decent, that if I’m dealing with you, you were born at least before ’88. All that passive-aggressive foolishness, that’s how you get cancelled (word 2 Nino Brown). Don’t do that. If you have a problem, approach me like an adult. You ain’t no gotdamn milennial, so stop acting like one. Like I say to my FOUR YEAR OLD. USE YOUR WORDS!

  5. The advent of the $200 dollar date

    Social media foolishness. There is a sect of women in this country that believe, $200 dates should be the norm. I’m here to say to you, if it’s the norm, you are sharing that man– because he has endless amounts of discretionary income. And he knows you’re easily captivated by shiny things. Any true connoisseur of say food, wine or cigars will tell you– a price point does not equal quality. I have no problem spending money on occasion, but simply for the sake of…that’s dumb.

  6. My upbringing and your priorities, they not mixing

    I’m a fairly private person, but not to the point of say “hiding” my significant other. Translation, I don’t do things for show. What you and I are doing in our personal time, is what WE’RE doing. Don’t ask me about US (you and I) and SOCIAL MEDIA. Because I don’t do threesomes, get it? Stop LIKING Love.

  7. Finding a sitter on the quick tip, must suck

    Pretty self-explanatory. I have friends that keep one on standby, guess I’d just need to get the manual. But I do not take for granted something coming up and being able to say, “hey babe, I’m bout to run and do this/that, you good with me going out?”

  8. When I’m at the house chillin’…I’m not walking in front of a mirror first

    LISTEN! I think my last name is kiswahili for chillin’. Do I own basketball shorts? Yup. Sweats? Lounge pants? Pajama bottoms? Yup times three. But a bamma might just want to be ashy sometimes. I might want to wear my favorite tshirt w/the random hole in it. Maybe that sleep in my eye is comfortable where it is. That being cute even when bumming it phase is NOT MISSED.

  9. I don’t like having to explain myself, before speaking

    I’m a fairly opinionated guy. Decently educated. And I eat information on a wide variety of things from local and national issues, to pop culture, etc. I also have a fairly dirty mouth, not ashamed to say. Sometimes in closed company, I need to fire one or two wild statements off, w/o having to worry if I’m gonna see you ever again because of something I said.

  10. I’m married to a throwback woman

    I’m sure there are others like her, in mindset and temperament. Education level and moral makeup. But all of that, plus the ability to be confident enough in herself to be able to put up with me and not cower to what today’s society says she has to/should be. I don’t take that for granted in the least.

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