Category Archives: Relationships

A different perspective, is what I offer. No false prophet/love guru claims.

Fellas We’re Winning…WHAT IS Y’ALL DOING?

The year is 2017. MMXVII. 17 years after this bxtch was supposed to blow smooth up. And in the ever since Eve tricked Adam to eat the apple relationship era (so since creation), males and females have been at war. And all over something that no one can truly control, power.

Why?

Fellas, this post is strictly for you..

…because you all are fvcking up the game! This is damn near the golden era for the male gender. And dammit, I’m not ashamed to say, I was single at the wrong got damn time.

YEAH I SAID IT! Ladies you might not like where this goes, but trust me, it is ultimately for your benefit.


The male to female ratio, still works in our favor fellas. In fact, each year the pendulum probably swings a little harder in our direction. Depending on who you are as a man, how you were raised, where you are in your life–this is the proverbial sweet spot.

Looking for a relationship?

There are plenty of women ready to settle down.

Looking for a situationship?

There are plenty of women in various places of their lives, willing to accommodate that role.

Looking for a woman that likes women?

It’s 2017, every woman is at least bisexual. It’s a prerequisite now (I know that’s not true, but go with it).

Looking for some no strings attached action?

Bruuuuuh!


Believe it or not, there are a LOT more females of all ages that currently share the above sentiment. And to those ladies I say…

So what’s the problem fellas…

…power. And our inability or unwillingness to cede it.

WAY TOO LATE DISCLAIMER:  If you are the perfect man, single, spoken for or none of this applies to you, don’t let me hear about you bashing any of these unsolicited thoughts.

Ladies raise your hand if you ever had a man you aren’t committed to, catch a full blown attitude because you weren’t…available?

Here’s why. Men (see disclaimer) want fluid commitments, whether in or out of a committed relationship. “You be here. Let me do me, but you be here. Don’t try to do me. Just be here.”

Good, bad or indifferent, double standards will never die.

Don’t believe me? Have you heard Sza‘s new project Ctrl? I’m only a few spins in, but she definitely is more of a modern day woman in mindset. Project’s pretty dope btw.

The visceral reaction from a number of men to the content, not the quality of the music, is oddly baffling. In fact, the negative responses from some men to that album, directly reflect how men are screwing up modern day male-female romantic interactions.

Look, if you aren’t trying to commit right now just say that. In today’s society women have largely adapted out of need (scroll up). Nevermind how that could ultimately backfire on both sexes long-term. Women are saying, “just let me know from jump what’s what, I might want the same”.

This should be your reaction…

But here’s the kicker. You gotta stay out of her business when she plays that same hand. No ties, means no opinions/criticism. I mean that’s what we want right.

At no point in history, has it been more beneficial for a man to tell a woman the truth. If not for yourselves, do it for your ancestors…got damn! You bastards disgust me.

How are you not able to commit to non-commitment?

 

 

 

Relationship Goals, Just Say No

No matter the social media medium, I can guarantee you this. At some point, you have seen the following two words hashtagged:  relationship goals. And I can say beyond the shadow of a doubt that it’s another sign of social media going too far. Or rather, people allowing social media to navigate their lives.

Just as every individual is different, every romantic relationship is as well. There is no one size fits all set of criteria that equates to one’s happiness as it relates to one partner. Hell, some people don’t even believe in having…one.

But in a day and time, where committed relationships are almost frowned upon by some. Grossly ignored by others. And thought to be prehistoric relics by even more– why trivialize it? Why look at a couple’s chosen snapshot of a singular space in time and fawn over it. That’s not #goals. Those are likes and more importantly, not reality.

Some may say, I’m putting too much into this. “My looking at a post or pic of a loving couple and replying with:  goals or relationship goals, is my way of showing love. My way of saying, I want someone I can do/say/feel the same way about.”

To that I say, you may be correct. However, what is the retort when #goals are:

  •  a web-celeb w/all the answers (according to millions of social media shares + RTs) gets into a public relationship and it ends abruptly?
  • a celebrity, married three times. Who makes a fairly substantial piece of their current fame and fortune off of relationship advice– and they’re sued by a former spouse?
  • that one popular couple in your circle, who posts something you and most love. But you forget how one of them days/months/a year prior were almost on the outs

At the end of the day, we must determine what happiness looks like in our relationships. And no one’s is perfect. Sure functional + nurturing relationships have some similarities:  love, happiness, be faithful, etc. But after that it’s a crap shoot.

SACRIFICE:  you up for it?

The social media post, that your favorite couple didn’t/doesn’t share with you.

What every amazing relationship stat or picture of a happy couple online doesn’t show you is, what it took to get to that moment. The disagreement earlier that day over something as trivial as unloading the dryer. Regularly cancelling one’s plans, to cater to an always busy or gone partner’s schedule. A significant other slow to address disrespectful in-laws, again.

For a society that can be as petty as “not being interested in someone whose text bubble isn’t a certain color” (jokes or not). Can you accept the bad necessary to attain perfect relationship levels? Are you built, to sacrifice the time, energy and pieces of yourself needed to acquire THAT/THEIR situation?

GOING FORWARD

The only relationship goals that should matter = finding someone just as crazy enough to put up with your ass, as you are with them. All in the name of love & happiness. Redefined goals.

Just Friends

There’s an old saying.

People come into your life for a reason, season or lifetime.

And I’m always the first person to say, that life is not a Hallmark/Mahogany card. Because some of us hold on far too tightly to little catchy sayings about life.

However one thing that is undeniable is, we as human beings, change.

No matter if it’s due to interpersonal dealings, changing circumstances, environmental surroundings or merely just our growing up.

In an ever changing world, we tend to depend on the constant(s) in our lives. Whenever things are at their worst or we feel trapped in a realm of uncertainty– we tend to turn to what we know.

Our learned coping mechanisms. Our parents (family members). Our spouses or significant others.

Our friends.

I’ve been fairly blessed to have friends of whom I could depend. People I’ve turned to for advice or to be sounding boards. Folks I’ve had come watch my kids at a last second notice. Those I’ve vacationed with. Individuals of whom I have allowed to drink my Bombay Sapphire (for those who don’t know, I do NOT play, when it comes to my Bombay).

Friends…how many of us have them? Friends…ones we can depend on?

A friend, is most commonly defined as someone who is a favored companion. One attached to another by affection or esteem.

They normally are present at a point(s) in your life that helped to make you who you are. There are like interests, a sharing of a similar moral compass– more often than not, a friend is someone who you enjoy spending time with and being around. And their weighted worth to us can grow, depending on what if anything they have gone thru with us or vice versa.

So what happens, when someone you classify in such a way, is not there for you?

Well frankly, what we as people (generally speaking) are guilty of, is ignoring the wrong things when looking at our friends. Are their faults okay simply because they have not impacted OUR relationships yet? Have you always been unappreciated/used?

One thing I’ve discovered is that after a certain age, people are who they’re going to be. And it’s not that they change, but rather different pieces of themselves that were always there, come to the surface.

The next time you get a chance, look at your shoe collection.

Our favorite pair(s) of shoes, eventually grow old and need more care in order to still look good enough to wear. Then there are those that regardless of how much we like them, simply can not be saved. You wear them, you enjoy them, and eventually they have to be thrown away. Friendships aren’t entirely like shoes, but the comparison is a lot more apt, then you may be willing to fathom.

An emotionally rewarding friendship can last the test of time. Where even the best shoes despite our best efforts, have a shelf life. But where the two correlate is–what you truly cherish, you work your hardest at taking care of.

Undeniable fact. People’s priorities change and that’s ok (adulthood has a funny way of bringing everyone’s life into a certain focus). And what we have to learn, is to accept this and adjust. It’s not our job to figure out why. Can it be hard to accept, sure. Should you try to save something you once held dear? Sure, if it bothers you and/or if you have a willing counterpart.

But do not give someone priority placement, if it isn’t reciprocated.

Some of us, are simply harder on shoes.

Stop LIKING Love

The internet doesn’t love you. Your cellphone hates you. And all of the premium, elite level, personal content you provide to the world– is one comment, like or DM away from wrecking your love life.

Congratulations! Your followers and LIKES count is swole though.

Social media in today’s day and age, seems to be as necessary as breathing—even though it’s really not. We’ve let it become so intertwined into our daily fabric, that right after sleeping and eating, sharing something about ourselves is right up there in the hierarchy of necessities. And a lot of us, myself included, even try to mix those.

But our relationships though? Ladies and gents, we have to do better.

A romantic relationship at any level, is between two individuals (“Big Love” and open situations aside). Social media is used for a number of reasons, but for the sake of this post, let’s say: networking, communicating with large audiences, and as an escape/for fun.

Question. If you can network, communicate and have fun with your boo boo offline– then what is the purpose of mixing your IN REAL LIFE, OFFLINE romantic dealings with the digital world? Watch this now. Answer. There is no reason for you to, other than to show off.

What’s wrong with that, you may ask. Absolutely nothing. You should never be ashamed or feel as though you have to keep your relationship a secret. Gotdammit, if you want to share your love with the world– then word to Mary J. Blige, you should. However, when you fully disclose what goes on with you and yours, you invite any and every one into your situation.

That’s unwanted opinions. That’s jealous people. That’s negative energy. That’s spies (i.e. your friends, their friends, your ex’s, their ex’s, your fans, their fans, etc). That’s drama that spills off the screen and into the real world.

facebook like button

So how do you avoid all of this? One of two ways. The first, is just like abstinence. Don’t use the same platforms. And if that’s too much to fathom, then your other option is to friend/follow your mate, but don’t stalk them. With all of the actual people you as an individual know and all of the strangers (both real and fake) in cyberspace– you really shouldn’t have time to keep tabs on another adult that you aren’t being paid to spy on.

Not to mention, there’s school and/or work and/or kids and/or I don’t know…living your life as someone who isn’t the parent of the person you’re also sleeping with. Just a thought.

A relationship isn’t about talking to someone all day long, everyday. Nor is it about watching their and other’s interaction level on the net. If you can’t go 4-6 hours without worrying about someone sneaking and creeping, why the f—…sorry. You should not be with them. This post isn’t for you. You should just stop reading right now and wait for the “What the hell am I doing?” post (I can make that happen by the way, just let me know).

Your mate deserves space.

You deserve space.

And tell your friends not to come tattling to you every time your significant other clicks LIKE or posts an emoji. You bums go find some business. Now if they are being blatantly out of pocket, then that’s different. But get your people off retainer.

If you want to chat with your man/woman, pick up the phone and call them. Shoot over a text or two or three. Fire off an email. And if you must, jump in those DMs and say what you have to. But then treat them like a total stranger, and X out of the screen.

Just because you love someone or even just LIKE them a little bit, why do you feel the need to digitally tell the world, 24/7 365?. Worry more about that one on one communication and save the show, for scripted reality TV. Stop getting into arguments online. Stop posting online about, what he/she said or did that pissed you off. Stop sweating them about their online relationship status. Stop reading folks the riot act, because of something that happened or was read online. Notice a theme here.

Don’t make your love life any more complicated than it has to be. If you want to occasionally share your relationship dealings with the world, cool no problem. But the moment you allow cyberspace to become the consistent and constant third party in you and yours pairing…TRUST, one or more of your “friends” is patiently waiting for that status update.

Relationship status:  It’s Complicated

 


previous related postings: “Single Friends…Be Quiet”  |   “Married- What About Me?”  | “Stop Giving Relationship Benefits…” | “Your Savior is Here”

Single Friends…Be Quiet

In the wonderful world of talking/dating whatever you want to call it, both men and women need to be very mindful of who they solicit advice from.

Stop looking at the screen like that.

Jokes aside, let’s be real. We all have friends that have better track records than others in love, right?

Let’s Keep It Real

When we’re all single, we have a lot in common. Free time, opinions, ideas on what matters/is important in what we “need” from a significant other. But have you ever looked at a mutual friend that’s in a legitimately happy relationship, and thought to yourself—what does he/she see in him? Or, I could/would never put up with that. Or, why are you doing that for him/her? That’s because contrary to popular belief, even amongst our closest friends, we are different people.

There are certain core ideals that people want in a mate. And normally our friends are close enough to us in mindset, to have a list that moreso mirrors our own wants. But when you really drill down to what is important, what you can look past in favor of the other benefits someone provides you—you may be surprised at how different you and your friends truly are.

For the fellas, when we are in a group setting, of course there’s a certain “look” that we are attracted to. Certain height, hair and body type. “She gotta be down for whatever”, and not be the type to stress you out over dumb stuff. We ultimately want a woman that’s going to let us be us.

For the ladies, when you all are in a group setting, some of the same applies. Certain height, hair and body type. He has to be single, preferably no kids (no baby mama drama), have a job. Not live at home with his mom, have a car and not be the type that’s going to embarrass you in front of your friends.

I should have said this before, but the loose rundowns above do not and will not apply to all people. And can be adjusted to fit different groups, yadda yadda yadda.

But have you ever seen a guy you’ve known to always date one type of woman, settle down with a completely different type? Or a female who preached wanting a man who had to be a certain way, ending up in a relationship with a guy, who may have only checked off a portion of her known checklist?

It’s all because what really matters to each of us, really isn’t defined until we meet and interact with a real life potential mate. That’s when we truly find out, what we “need” vs. what we (think we)“want”. What flaws or dislikes are tolerable and not as big of an idea, when compared against the totality of what you do like about someone. You don’t need, someone who looks like they should be on the most beautiful person in the world list. You need someone who YOU are attracted to. You don’t need someone who is known to be down for whatever. You need someone who is down for YOU, and what you believe in (whether that be family, goals, sexually, etc.).

The mob mentality is very real in all facets of life, even love and relationships. Look at it like this. When you’re with the Wolfpack (shout out to “the Hangover”), you’re not looking for a mate. You’re looking for what’s appealing at that moment. The purely superficial x society’s stereotypical wants. But at the end of the night, when you go home by yourself to hug those kneecaps—or you end up in a relationship that looked good on the surface, but crashed and burned soon after, then what?

In short. Your single friends are good at being single. They should always have a place in your life, because they’re your friends. But remember, their advice comes with limitations. They can speak from prior personal experience or give you their perspective. However do not let someone who is not in a relationship, justify your happiness and how YOU should feel about someone else.

I always tell any single person that asks, make a list of qualities you need and want in a significant other. Then walk away from the list and come back to it later. Realistically go through it and find what is actually important. A true need versus a want, then use that as your baseline. Your friends’ happiness has zero bearing on who you settle down with. They can help you look, and smack sense into you if you go off the rails and start trolling for dates in the prison system. But your heart and mind is the ultimate decider.

When it comes to your closest of true friends, sure you want to be involved with someone who gets along with those individuals. But as long as everyone respects each other and their importance to you, that really is all that matters.

Value your friends’ opinions. Because they want the best for you in the end, but it is solely up to you to make the decision(s) that will impact your relationship status and health.

It’s okay to stray from the herd every now and then.

 

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previous related posting:  “Married- What About Me?”  | “Stop Giving Relationship Benefits…” | “Your Savior is Here”

I’m cheating on my…

…site and I don’t feel all that bad.

Well maybe a little.

Last month, I began blogging for Haute Hipsters Media, a communications and branding boutique agency based out of the DC area.

During the re-branding and subsequent re-launch of the website earlier this summer, the company’s owner TaKeyia Monique, decided to include a blogging component to the imprint– with focuses on music, sports, fashion and relationships.

Guess which one I chose?

So far, two pieces have been posted (links below) in “The MANual” and another one is in the pipeline, and should be posted soon. If you’re familiar with me and my writing style, you know what to expect. An honest, fair view on whatever the topic is, with just a touch of comedy…yet always real.

To wrap, continue to check the site here at runninglikwidworks.com, for all of my regular content. But also support what I have going on over at HHM as well. They seem to have something nice flowing over there. I’m just spreading my wings a little bit and tagging along for the ride.

 

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“The MANual” | #HauteApprovedRelationships
hautehipstersmedia.com/category/hauteapprovedrelationships

 

 

 

NARE | Married – “What about me?”

“My husband is working crazy hours and I’m feeling extremely neglected. Something’s gotta give.”

That damn marriage word is hella tricky.

There is no one size fits all set of directions for any coupling. But once you remove the individuality out of the equation, there are a few key things that are fairly consistent and easy to respond to.

Background:  In the instance referenced by the introductory line– the woman is adapting to not one, not two, but three variables that have to be accounted for.

She has a new work schedule. The husband has a new work schedule. And lastly the husband’s new work schedule, comes from a dream job.

Now some may say, the wife should suck it up and deal. Since her husband has a new and demanding job, of which is a dream position for him. I mean after all, we are supposed to support our spouses at every turn right…as long as it’s pertaining to something legal and not harming oneself. While others will say the opposite. She was around before the new job and more demanding hours, he doesn’t get a free pass to just “do him” and say “she will have to deal”.

To that I say, both views are correct.

If a man or woman in a long-term committed relationship, obtains the opportunity to procure their dream job– the partner HAS to be understanding when it comes to any demands that may come along with that. At least in the beginning. However, when you decide to enter into a committed and legally binding partnership, you can’t make decisions w/o looking at the ramifications your decisions can and will have on your household.

So where’s the middle ground?

There’s a two part answer here. One, she has to come to grips with the real reality. There is a LOT of change going on at her home. And it is not solely on him and his new deal. Yes his new schedule is infringing on what used to be their time. But so is her new schedule. There’s a period of acclimation that has to be lived in by both parties, so they can come together and carve out what will be THEIR new time.

However, with that said. I strongly encourage the wife in this instance to talk to the husband. Not in a nagging or heavy handed sense. But in a very womanly, play on his ego, express your understanding of how and why things are the way they are for him at work… “but don’t forget about me” kind of way.

Real men, that have a sense of old school in their DNA, can get lost in the work-provide mindset at times. Factor in, he’s fallen into a job that he’s always wanted…and it’s very easy for him to lose sight of everything else. We (men) can be very one track minded at times. When that happens, just remind us about what’s important (namely you). You as your husband’s wife, should know how to manipulate him by now. How to push his buttons in a positive way. So do that.

Look at your schedules and put together a little rendezvous in or outside of the home. It doesn’t have to be extravagant, just some alone time. And during the course of that outing, when you can see or clearly tell that he’s enjoying himself…ask him if he’s in fact enjoying himself. Then follow up his answers with the right comments, eventually arriving at the…

“I know we’ve both been busy, but we have to try to make a little time for ourselves.” or “We should try to do this more often”.

…point of the program. What you’re looking to do here is make his mind work. You’re basically instructing him on what to do, without, TELLING him what to do.

Wrap-up:

If you don’t know how to get to your man, then you have much bigger issues than him not making time for you. But you will get a lot more positive response, by going this route vs. a more direct and over the top approach. If the lack of time is due to a hectic schedule, the last thing he wants to hear is that he’s dropping the ball at home and you’re mad at him. So let him know the deal on how you’re feeling neglected, without coming right out and saying it.

And if after you try that route, things don’t tick over in the right direction even slightly…thennnnn you may have to be more blunt. “Look motherfu@$–…”

 

 

 

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previous related posting: “Stop Giving Relationship Benefits…” | “Your Savior is Here”