In the wonderful world of talking/dating whatever you want to call it, both men and women need to be very mindful of who they solicit advice from.
Stop looking at the screen like that.
Jokes aside, let’s be real. We all have friends that have better track records than others in love, right?
When we’re all single, we have a lot in common. Free time, opinions, ideas on what matters/is important in what we “need” from a significant other. But have you ever looked at a mutual friend that’s in a legitimately happy relationship, and thought to yourself—what does he/she see in him? Or, I could/would never put up with that. Or, why are you doing that for him/her? That’s because contrary to popular belief, even amongst our closest friends, we are different people.
There are certain core ideals that people want in a mate. And normally our friends are close enough to us in mindset, to have a list that moreso mirrors our own wants. But when you really drill down to what is important, what you can look past in favor of the other benefits someone provides you—you may be surprised at how different you and your friends truly are.
For the fellas, when we are in a group setting, of course there’s a certain “look” that we are attracted to. Certain height, hair and body type. “She gotta be down for whatever”, and not be the type to stress you out over dumb stuff. We ultimately want a woman that’s going to let us be us.
For the ladies, when you all are in a group setting, some of the same applies. Certain height, hair and body type. He has to be single, preferably no kids (no baby mama drama), have a job. Not live at home with his mom, have a car and not be the type that’s going to embarrass you in front of your friends.
I should have said this before, but the loose rundowns above do not and will not apply to all people. And can be adjusted to fit different groups, yadda yadda yadda.
But have you ever seen a guy you’ve known to always date one type of woman, settle down with a completely different type? Or a female who preached wanting a man who had to be a certain way, ending up in a relationship with a guy, who may have only checked off a portion of her known checklist?
It’s all because what really matters to each of us, really isn’t defined until we meet and interact with a real life potential mate. That’s when we truly find out, what we “need” vs. what we (think we)“want”. What flaws or dislikes are tolerable and not as big of an idea, when compared against the totality of what you do like about someone. You don’t need, someone who looks like they should be on the most beautiful person in the world list. You need someone who YOU are attracted to. You don’t need someone who is known to be down for whatever. You need someone who is down for YOU, and what you believe in (whether that be family, goals, sexually, etc.).
The mob mentality is very real in all facets of life, even love and relationships. Look at it like this. When you’re with the Wolfpack (shout out to “the Hangover”), you’re not looking for a mate. You’re looking for what’s appealing at that moment. The purely superficial x society’s stereotypical wants. But at the end of the night, when you go home by yourself to hug those kneecaps—or you end up in a relationship that looked good on the surface, but crashed and burned soon after, then what?
In short. Your single friends are good at being single. They should always have a place in your life, because they’re your friends. But remember, their advice comes with limitations. They can speak from prior personal experience or give you their perspective. However do not let someone who is not in a relationship, justify your happiness and how YOU should feel about someone else.
I always tell any single person that asks, make a list of qualities you need and want in a significant other. Then walk away from the list and come back to it later. Realistically go through it and find what is actually important. A true need versus a want, then use that as your baseline. Your friends’ happiness has zero bearing on who you settle down with. They can help you look, and smack sense into you if you go off the rails and start trolling for dates in the prison system. But your heart and mind is the ultimate decider.
When it comes to your closest of true friends, sure you want to be involved with someone who gets along with those individuals. But as long as everyone respects each other and their importance to you, that really is all that matters.
Value your friends’ opinions. Because they want the best for you in the end, but it is solely up to you to make the decision(s) that will impact your relationship status and health.
It’s okay to stray from the herd every now and then.
previous related posting: “Married- What About Me?” | “Stop Giving Relationship Benefits…” | “Your Savior is Here”